All happy families are alike
by afrai
Summary: Grimmjow and Rukia get married and have a baby. No, really.
1. Lunch

Author: afrai  
Summary: "You're the one who wouldn't perform the abortion when I asked you to."  
Disclaimer: Rukia, Ichigo, Aizen and those wacky Arrancar belong to Kubo Tite. The spawn is mine, though I'm not sure I want her.  
Notes: Crack has no point. Crack needs no point.

**All happy families are alike**

LUNCH

"How's my girl been?" said Rukia. Ulquiorra looked glum.

"She ate half my eye," he said. "I don't think I like it when she does that."

"I'm hungry," Grimmjow announced. "Hey, you. Pass the sprog over."

"You are not eating our daughter," said Rukia. To Ulquiorra: "Don't whine, we'll get you a replacement from the store."

"This is the sixth time," said Ulquiorra. "I _liked_ that last eye."

"Are we gonna fuck?" said Grimmjow.

"No," said Rukia. "What do you want for lunch, darling?"

"Blood!" said the child happily.

"Am I gonna get to eat her?" said Grimmjow.

"No," said Rukia.

"I like blood!"

"I mean, what if you get me another astigmatic eye? You can't trust that trash merchant."

"Then what the hell am I _doing_ here?" said Grimmjow.

"How would I know?" said Rukia coldly. "Stop taking up the couch and go get Ulquiorra another eye from Urahara."

"What? Why the hell do I have to do it?"

"He's _your_ colleague."

"My colleague can fuck off and die," said Grimmjow.

"I'm telling Aizen-sama," said Ulquiorra.

"Why's daddy so angry?"

"It's nothing. Don't listen to the nasty men, sweetheart," said Rukia.

"Can I drink _their_ blood?" said the child hopefully.

"I'm killing Urahara," Grimmjow decided.

"It's the left eye," said Ulquiorra.

"Make sure you get a receipt," Rukia called after Grimmjow's back.

* * *

"I just think you could do better," said Ichigo.

"Probably," said Rukia. The child banged tiny fists on the table, and blood slopped out of the bowl. Rukia made an annoyed noise. "Could you pass me the kitchen towel? Thanks."

"Than a psycho monster with no capacity for empathy who, oh yeah, just happens to be the bad guy's minion -- "

"He's not a very good minion," said Rukia reflectively.

"That's not the point!"

"Don't play with your mask, darling."

"Itches," the child whimpered.

"You know it only grows back every time you tear it off," said Rukia. "If you're patient and stop picking at it, it'll stop itching."

Ichigo looked mildly sick.

"It's like teething," he said. "Only _evil_."

"You're the one who wouldn't perform the abortion when I asked you to."

"That was when I thought it was Renji's kid!"

"'Conscientious objection', you said," said Rukia. "And then trying to break into the maternity ward and kill her when she was no more than a day old. Really, Ichigo. If you'd tried to kill her earlier it would at least have been legal. Why wait until she was born?"

"She _ripped her way out of your belly!_"

"I got better."

"Rukia, she keeps trying to eat you!" The child bared pointy teeth at Ichigo's gesturing arms. He yanked them back hastily.

"All children have these habits," said Rukia serenely. "She'll grow out of it."

"Like her father did?"

"Grimmjow hardly ever tries to fry her for dinner nowadays," said Rukia. "There we go. Now don't eat Uncle Ichigo while mother cleans up, there's a good girl."

Ichigo edged away from the child.

"Is it okay if Zangetsu comes out to play?" he called after Rukia. She nodded, pushing the door to the kitchen open with a foot.

"Just be careful," her voice said from the kitchen. "Renji says Zabimaru's still recovering from the last time."

"Yeah? Your brother seemed fine after babysitting duty."

"Ah," said Rukia. "Brother knew enough to bring out his shikai."

"Bored," whined the child.

"Oh, shit," said Ichigo.


	2. The naming of names

THE NAMING OF NAMES

"Haven't you got her a name yet?" said Ichigo, wincing as the jungle gym collapsed amidst screams of tortured metal.

"Sometimes her father calls her Spawn as a pet name," said Rukia. "Mostly when he's trying to eat her. -- Don't break the playground, darling. The humans want to use it too.

"The Arrancar call her La Poderosa," she added.

"Catchy, but not really the kind of name you want to start high school with."

"No," Rukia agreed. "She doesn't seem to mind not having a name."

"Yeah ... " Animals, reflected Ichigo, generally didn't. "You been working on the whole empathy thing with her?"

"Yes," said Rukia. "But all children are monsters."

"Some more than others," muttered Ichigo.


	3. Nine out of ten dead motorists agree

NINE OUT OF TEN DEAD MOTORISTS AGREE

"I am not redeemed," Grimmjow said at the door.

"No," said Rukia. She didn't look up from the book. "Don't forget the tofu."

"Who the fuck in this house is going to eat tofu?"

"Me."

Grimmjow looked disgusted.

"That's just fucking _wrong_," he said. "It isn't even dead."

"Do not tell me you're going to be persnickety now," said Rukia absently. "It's enough having one picky eater in the household."

"Anyway," said Grimmjow. "I'm not fucking redeemed. I'm evil."

"Yes."

"I am the bad guy."

"Yes."

"I push old women into traffic."

"Yes."

"And then I kill the fucking traffic, too."

"Mm. I was there."

Grimmjow hung around the door. No further response was forthcoming.

"Yeah," he said. "Just wanted that to be clear."

"Very clear," said Rukia. "Wipe your feet on the mat when you come back. It's so hard to get blood stains off the floor."


End file.
